Joshua Lloyd (Clark), (Rodstein)

I deserve it all... still doesnt make it easier. As if it has any effect on anything else. Yet... I cant dispell it.

I find it easy to be true to myself sometimes..... to act as i am, or rather as who i am... or RATHER who i think i am... who i think i know i am?? anyways...

I feel a weight has been lifted... although the lifting has caused a falling out... and ive hurt others... so its a breakthrough that has come at the expense of someones feelings... but a breakthrough none the less.

I cant change anything... and to say that i wish i could... well, might not be entirely true. Had i not done what i did... than... how long would the(MY) charade have lasted? And how amplified would the pain caused to others have been?

im being vague... and cliche'... not a suprise.

SO...

The key here, is to sustain this level of self truth. I have to learn from mistakes... and i must be aware of all that i am and all that i do... or i will fall back into the same habits.

Astronomy on thursday... hmm.

-JR

SO....

I am now the proud owner of a 1998 AUDI A4 2.8L, 30 VALVE, V6 QUATTRO

Ive decided as of 5 minutes ago... that the Audi gets the garage from now on. After experiencing the oxidation of my Accord... i just cant leave it outside in the elements over night (if i can help it).

How many of these do i need in my life... somewhat of a rude awakening... and im feeling a bit more empty than i could have percieved. Loneliest morning ive had in a long time. Had a nightmare last night... IM trying to remember what exactly transpired in the nightmare... but i can seem to grasp it again. I knew however... the minute i woke up from it... that it had come a few times before... but it had been a while. To get up there and scream tonight... i hope i have the drive. I just feel like wilting right now.

-J

that inspire me to write in the fuckin thing boggle my mind...

Tim was right, i need to change somehow. I dont know how that is going to happen, but it needs to. I need to realize some truths about myself... and stay true to them. Whenever i ignore them.. they bite me on the ass and someone other than myself ends up getting hurt. Fuck me.

Ive got nothing good to say...

I woke up at 8 and watched curious george.. now cliford the big red dog is on. After living without cable for the past 5 months.... I like to turn the TV on just for comfort... so it doesnt really matter what comes on... except if its oprah... i cant handle that shit. I think I might clean my room before work... I lave for Nicaragua in 8 days... before then i must buy a pack... buy Tim his shoes... pick up money from his mom in modesto.... try to find a job for when i return... try and get my transcript sent from the Academy to City College. IM feeling apathetic this morning...

-JR

It feels like tommorow

Im Drunk at 4:47 pm, Wed, November 15th. I leave for Nicaragua in 10 days... suck my dick.

-JR

Nicaragua in ten days.

nicaragua in about 2 and a half weeks. yay. Exertion headaches.... boo. yay for starbucks... yay.